Red Rocks Cafe

When we go out for an official burger review, we usually bring our equipment: tape measure, scale, reticulated splines, etc. But we don’t just stick to our quest to eat every burger in Charlotte when we go out for reviews. Sometimes we want to write a quick review of a burger that we just happened upon. We call these Short Orders.

Location: 8712 Lindholm Dr, Huntersville  28o78

Website:  www.redrockscafe.com

My girlfriend and I recently decided to spend a Friday night at Birkdale. If you haven’t been that far north, Birkdale is a shopping center in Huntersville. Actually, it’s more than a shopping center. It’s an entire pre-packaged and artificial town ¹. They have a movie theater at the end of the street, outlet stores, restaurants, and, by my count, two shops devoted to olive oil.

Oh, and they have a monument to no one. Because a real town, one that was developed organically over decades by actual breathing human beings, would likely honor one of their founding fathers in a prominent place. The cylons that built this place recognized that aspect of human behavior, and erected an obelisk in loving memory of, I don’t know, affordable khakis ².

Why did you choose to go to Red Rocks Cafe?

It was something of an accident. The original idea was to eat sushi at Eez Fusion. It’s a sister restaurant to The Cowfish, and I’ve always wanted to try it ³. When we showed up, though, we were informed they had an hour and fifteen minute wait. I was hangry anyway, but I’m always loathe to wait that long for a restaurant. And then we found out that Brixx had a line of people into the street. Thus, the choice was between the Fox & Hound and Red Rocks Cafe. Red Rocks won out, because I was nearly choked to death at the Fox & Hound once. It wasn’t their fault, but you know, it triggers a tough memory for me.

What did you order?

Going in, I really had no intention of getting a burger. I was set for sushi, initially, after all. It was the menu that changed my mind.

One of the most notable things about the menu at Red Rocks is that each item is named after a person. More than a few are named after notable athletes, including TJ Ford and Kasey Kahne. Most of the items were named after people that I wouldn’t know from Adam ⁴.

The Tom Norwood Pretzel Burger really caught my eye. It had provolone cheese, Grey Poupon bistro sauce, lettuce, tomato, onion, all on a pretzel bun. Reading that description created an intense desire within me for a burger on a pretzel bun with a side of sweet potato fries. So that’s what I got.

So, who’s Tom Norwood?

Hell if I know. Google couldn’t give me a clear answer. So, it’s a mystery ⁵.

How was the burger?

Dreadful. I almost didn’t even write this review, because writing negative reviews can be tedious ⁶. Then my girlfriend pointed out that it’s important to write negative reviews as well.

So here it is:

The patty was bland and overcooked. Medium does not mean a gray center, and I don’t know why I continue to get this mistake. I wish I could blame the overcooking on the patty’s lack of flavor, but I think that was mostly because it wasn’t seasoned. Like, at all. Also, I think was likely frozen. I couldn’t really taste the “bistro” sauce, and even the pretzel bun was bad. Like the patty, it did not taste fresh.

To top things off, they served ketchup with my sweet potato fries, which confounded me. Do people like that? I’ve never seen that before.

Will you come back?

Oh, no. Almost definitely no. Maybe if they, I don’t know, promised that this time was an extreme aberration and invited me back to give them a second chance for a burger named after me or something. Then I would flip a coin and let fate decide. But unless that happens, it’s a no.

Signed,